Newcomers Guide

Sponsors are more limited due to the size of the program, although they are available by finding someone with more recovery and whose story you can connect to by coming to meetings and participating in the meeting and after-hours fellowship. It is important to remember to focus on the principles not the personalities.

LAA is a program of moderation when it comes to love. Our goal is healthy love and healthy relationships. It is not a program of abstinence except when you are obsessed and in withdrawal. There are also times when no contact is impossible. If you have financial ties, share a business, work together, or have children it is really difficult. Sometimes no contact just does not work because you have unfinished business. It is important to refrain from judging those who choose limited contact. The shock of no contact can be just to much for some.

Unlike a substance program, sobriety in LAA is based on non-addictive thinking and healthy, non-destructive behaviors with regard to relationships, fantasy, obsessing or avoidance of healthy relationships, which can be more ambiguous than the avoidance of a substance, because our brains are the internal drug store.

The Brain in Love: Helen Fisher TED Talk
Definition of Recovery in LAA

It means we stop acting in addictive, obsessive or compulsive ways, and work towards emotional sobriety and healthy self-esteem, as well as develop mutually sustaining relationships in multiple areas of our lives. We come to view relationships as a want, rather than a need.

12 Steps to Building Self Esteem

No contact means ceasing physical, emotional, mental and psychological interactions or connections with the person that we had our most recent relationship with – the one that brought us to recovery. No texting, no calling, no stalking, no e-mailing, no social media stalking, no drive-bys, no talking to friends or family of the person that “qualifies” us to be here. We get rid of all items and photos of the person (perfume, jewelry, clothing, etc.).

Withdrawal is a process of adjusting to our life without the dependency or addiction to a person, fantasy or relationship, and the discomfort may be as painful as someone going through physical, emotional and mental withdrawal from a physical substance.

Stop obsessive thinking and ruminating to recreate the pain and the dopamine and cortisol release. It is not a linear process and it is important not to beat yourself up.

It will vary based on each person’s history and how persistently they work the steps and the practices of the program. Each person’s journey is different, and some people will experience quick relief, others will take longer, and it is not unusual for feelings of withdrawal to recur when emotional or physical triggers come up. It is important to practice no contact to get through the early and eventual later phases of withdrawal. With each relapse, the process may have to be restarted and it WILL be more painful each time.

There is hope, keep coming back and use the tools of the program. This time is an opportunity for tremendous growth that can change the rest of your life. Self-care is vital as you go through this phase. You get to meet yourself and discover new things and ultimately live happy, joyous and free.

LAA does not identify specific bottom-line behaviors; rather, we learn to stop acting in addictive ways and patterns with regard to romantic relationships. We learn to work the steps, recognize the characteristics of love addiction, and observe if we are attaining the 12 promises of recovery for love addiction. Maintaining no contact from a qualifier or previous qualifiers may be a type of bottom line in LAA.

The emphasis here is on love addiction and co-dependent relationships and understanding the different types of love addicts or love avoidants (Ambivalent Love Addicts). Sex addiction is addressed in another program. Although love addicts may use sex to try and get love, it is not the primary issue, and we do not talk about sex in our meetings. Our focus is learning how to develop healthy self-esteem, to be content even if we are single, and to enter, maintain or exit a romantic relationship in a healthy way. We do follow the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions of AA, as adapted to the disease of love addiction.

Typical Kinds of Love Addicts
Ambivalent Love Addicts

In LAA there is no crosstalk which is any verbal response to another person’s sharing. Interrupting, asking questions, and offering advice are considered crosstalk.

You can check out the literature tab (at the top of this page in the main menu area) for information and readings on love addiction, withdrawal, and recovery.